#i feel like it was just yesterday that i was like 12

[pbplssaveme]

ok so ik this is lowk bad but i had this idea and i needed to write it lol and this is inspired by the story Flight 2136 or something like that lol ill come back and tag the creator later bc they deserve credit yk lol and this prob is confusing and very fast paced so im sorry in advance if you read this im new to writing bc normally i keep it to myself lol but i hope one person enjoys this and i have another section planned out so i will continue if some1 wants me too :) i don’t have a title so if you have an idea feel free to tell me and give me advice

warnings: mentions of drug use and abuse, swearing, and mental health issues (pls tell me if i forgot something)

this is based in an alternative universe and reminder ! nothing is real ! this is all fake ! they are real people and this is not intended for them to see !

playlist:

dark red - steve lacy

fine line - harry styles

listen before i go - billie eilish

the greatest - billie eilish

xanny - billie eilish

high and dry - radiohead

freaks- surf cruse

race - alex g

piano man - billy joel ⭐️

symphonia IX - current joys

invisible string - taylor swift

7:09 AM January 19th, 2020

“Azzi, Azzi, Azzi! Wake up!” Jose practically sobbed as he violently shook Azzi awake.

“What do you want Jose- wait what wrong,” Azzi quickly woke up once she saw the hysterical state her brother was in.

“It’s Paige! Something’s wrong, look at the news!” Jose said as he shoved his phone into his sister’s face.

Azzi barely had registered anything else but once she saw the headline on the article in front of her all she could read was:

“PAIGE BUECKERS, NO. ONE RECRUIT OF CLASS OF 2020, DOES NOT COMMIT TO ANY SCHOOL AND GONE OFF SOCIAL MEDIA, WHAT HAPPENED?”

“What the fuck!” Azzi almost screeched when she read the headline. 

Azzi shoved Jose out of the way before running to her parents bedroom, Jose quickly trailing behind her.

“MOM, MOM, WAKE UP PLEASE! ITS PAIGE SOMETHINGS WRONG! MOM!” Azzi was frantic and uncontrollable at this point, opening up her last messages with Paige.

p💗:

practice was so bad today

coach sucks

i miss you

i feel terrible like the life is sucked out of me

i don’t want to go out there im scared 

a💗:

i’m sorry:( practice should be good tmrw tho right?

coach just knows you can do good i promise you’re great yk

it’s gonna b ok though, you can always call me and i can even fly out if you really want me to

you’ll be ok i promise, you’re great with the media

i miss you too

p💗: 

thanks

i just feel like im losing my spark 

like no one believes me

well i know you and my family do but like

i don’t believe in myself anymore and that’s the hardest part

i feel like basketball is gonna b the death of me tho 😂

i see you in three weeks though its ok dw abt me too much ;) lol

thanks 

a💗:

quit be annoying 

and you’re not bad at all 

you’re literally number one recruit in the u.s. 

i believe in you enough for both of us combined even though it’s hard for you to see

i can’t watch the livestream so text me when you’re done pls 

i’m always here for you <3

p💗:

thanks

i will 

ily az

a💗:

ilyt p 💗 sleep well tn pls you need it 

last read yesterday 6:58 PM

“Honey what’s wrong, tell me, I can’t do anything to help if you don’t tell me,” Katie Fudd said as she rubbed her temples from being up so early in the morning.

Azzi frantically texted Paige,

a💗:

16 missed calls from p💗- 12:17 AM 

PAIGE

PAIGE MADISON

PAIGE MADISON BUECKERS

PAIGE

WHATS WRONG

I SAW THE NEWS ARTICLE 

FROM LIKE 30 MINUTES AGO

ANSWER ME

WHATS WRONG

THIS ISNT LIKE YOU

WHAT HAPPENED 

PLS TELL ME

WERE YOU HACKED OR SOMETHING

YOU WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS DELETE YOUR SOCIALS

PLS TELL ME THIS IS A PRANK

YOURE FUNNY YK

PLEASE ANSWER ME 😭😭😭

*37 missed calls from a💗 7:16 AM

“Mom, it’s Paige, she- she…” Azzi lips trembled before she could finish her sentence.

“She’s gone offline and won’t answer Azzi,” Jose finished for Azzi, after calming down a bit.

“What- What do you mean, Jose?” Katie asked as she hugged her daughter and rubbed her back in an attempt to soothe her.

“Look,” Jose said tears coming to his eyes again while he showed his mom his and Azzi’s phones. At this point, Tim and Jon were stirring awake from all the commotion in their house.

“Babe- wait Honey what’s wrong..” Tim said as he sat up looking at his family standing around in their bedroom.

“Holy shit…” Katie mumbled as she read the news headline and Azzi’s last conversation with Paige.

“It’s Paige, Tim. She, she-“ Katie sighed before she continued her brief rundown to Tim, “She deleted all her social media and won’t answer Azzi.”

“Holy fuck,” was all that Tim could muster up before he grabbed his phone, starting to text Bob, Paige’s dad.

“I’m blocked,” Azzi’s dad stated a matter of the fact, before turning the face his sobbing daughter. 

October 2nd, 2023, 11:57 AM

“So, Azzi, has anyone helped you keep your spirits extra high for this upcoming season as your third year here at UCONN?” the reporter stated before looking up at Azzi who stood there silently tapping her foot, anxiously waiting for the interview to be over.

“Um,” Azzi mumbled before looking at her feet. All that Azzi could think about ever for three years straight was Paige. Was Paige ok? Is she alive? Does she still play basketball? Does she hate me? Is her family ok? Is she in school? Did she miss me as much as I miss her?

The only thing that kept Azzi upright on most days and continuing playing basketball was the thought that Paige was going to someday be there beside her playing, living out their dream of playing together. All she ever thought about was Paige. Paige was what motivated her and kept her spirits up even though she hasn’t heard from her or her family in over three years.

“Uh, I would say my, um… best friend, Paige, you know, Paige Bueckers,” Azzi’s quietly said, silently praying now at this point the interview would be over.

“Oh! Have you been in contact with her? How is she doing?” the overwhelming, overly excited interviewer responded with while waiting for a response with her notebook out taking notes.

“Oh… uh, no,” Azzi said as tears threatened to spill out of her eyes, before stating “Um, I actually have to go, Coach is calling me.” Azzi gave a fake, lighthearted laugh while she heard her phone buzz violently in her pocket. Thankful for the excuse, she teared her phone out of her pocket and excused herself out of the lounge into Geno’s office. Once Azzi made it into Geno’s office, she immediately noticed the solemn, but tense expression on his face, filling the entire room with an energy that she knew she could not escape.

“Hey Coach” Azzi said before sitting down in one of the chairs across from Geno. 

“Well this is going to be an awkward conversation,” Geno stated before taking a deep breath. Azzi’s breath hitched, not knowing where this conversation could lead to.

“So, as I’ve been made aware of your situation with Paige Bueckers, you two were best friends until she um… disappeared you could say?” Geno said while slowly looking back up at Azzi. 

No. No. No. Why now. Any other time please. I do not want to have this conversation anymore even though it hasn’t even started. Azzi thought before looking at her coach and nodding her head, agreeing with what he was saying, too scared to say anything, afraid she would start crying.

“Well there has been some news that came out this morning, her family had contacted us explaining their situation and stated that Paige would be contacting us soon about transferring here, to UCONN, to complete her college degree and was interested in playing basketball with us this season if possible. We responded back saying that’s wonderful and we would love to meet her and get to know her before making further decisions. They also said that she wanted you, specifically, to know before anyone else on the team because she was nervous and wanted to know if you were okay with it. And yes, I got a brief rundown by them, they didn’t go into detail so I don’t know too much, about how she hasn’t texted you for the past three years or so and how you will most definitely be confused why she hasn’t said anything to you but I want you to know I can tell something happened and you need to be there for her and be welcoming when she just visits us soon,” Geno vocalized before standing up and giving Azzi a pat on the shoulder and sitting back down.

All that went through Azzi’s mind during that conversation was holy fuck, she’s gonna be here after three years would she even still want to talk to me. Azzi’s eyes immediately started welling up before she started spewing questions, “Do you know why she didn’t go to college in person? Is she ok? Is her family fine? What else do you know?!” Azzi sobbed as she wiped her face with her practice jersey.

“Her family stated that she could not attend college in person and had to get rid of her socials due to the fact that they had some issues at home and needed to focus on their family first. Trust me, I want to know the real story too and I am concerned for the poor girl because I know this is a big step for her. But they did tell me she has been doing online college for the past three years, but they believed she was ready to come back to school in person and wanted her to be able to play basketball because they know she couldn’t just go back to school and do nothing. I want her to play here because she could be great. Her playing here for just one or two years could really be big for us and her. You’ve got no reason to be afraid kiddo, maybe just the fact that she maybe an emotional wreck when she’s here,” Geno said chuckling at his last statement.

“Uh, ok. Thank you for letting me know Coach,” Azzi mumbled before standing up and walking out of the office. She quickly shot Nika a text, stating that she needed a ride back to the dorms because she couldn’t drive, before receiving a quick thumbs up and an ‘omw’ from Nika. Azzi was confused. How was she doing? Is she going to play with me again after the past three years? Is she going to want to play together again? She stood there outside of the practice facility in the chilly breeze before Nika pulled up.

“Girl, where’s your jacket? Oh wait, what’s wrong Honey?” Nika said as she quickly jumped out her car in a pair of sweats, opening the passenger door and putting Azzi’s gym bag in the back seat.

“Az, what happened?” Nika said softly as she wiped Azzi’s tears as she laid there looking out the window.

“She’s gonna be here Nik, she- she’s gonna want to see me after three years. Omg-“ Azzi hiccuped before completely breaking down.

“Oh baby, it’s gonna be ok,” Nika reassured her before pulling out to drive back to the dorms. 

“What if she never wants to see me again Nika, like, does she still consider me her best friend?” Azzi asked as she slowly, slowed her breathing down. 

“I think she would, wait, how’d you find out Paige is coming here, wait, she’s like coming back almost?” Nika asked incredulously once she processed sudden realization as she took a right turn.

“Coach told me, the rest of the team doesn’t know or the media, don’t tell them before Coach does please,”  Azzi said before laying down in the seat, closing her eyes, with tears still running down her cheeks.

“Don’t worry Az,” Nika reassured her as they pulled up to the dorms.

October 10th, 2023 1:23 PM

“Okay everybody, listen up” Geno barked as the group of girls in front of him shuffled into position.

“Paige is going to be here at 2. I expect nothing but kindness and welcoming introductions, no snarky comments or remarks, and especially no personal questions about those three years she was at home, got it?” Geno stated before staring at the group before him.

There were a few ‘Yes Coach’ and ‘Yes Sir’s before Geno spoke again.

“While we have time before she arrives, make sure the facility and your rooms are neat and tidy,” there was a brief pause before he spoke again, “I have a complete in depth map of the facility in case you want it, now before I let y’all run wild, I need Nika, Aaliyah, and Azzi to stay behind.”

Azzi’s breath hitched as she heard her name being called out by Geno but she stood there as she watched all the other girls leave, some heading towards the locker room, others going back to the dorms. The three girls stood there with as much confidence they could muster up, with all of their nail-biting nerves begging them to leave. 

“You guys will tour her around, show her everything and introduce her to all of the girls, got it?” Geno asked, waiting for a response.

“Yes Coach,” all three girls said before getting shooed off by Geno.

“I’m so royally fucked,” Azzi mumbled once they were out of earshot from their coach.

October 10th, 2023 11:45 AM

Paige stood their pacing her room. Her arms hurt and she could barely take a full breath. She woke up early that morning, trying to warn off any nerves she had before she had to face them, and her. Her hair was pulled back into a sleek, but messy bun, with little face framing pieces and light makeup. She wore long black cargo pants, a dark blue hoodie she had since her and Azzi were friends, and a small silver chain that had a small silver cross dangling off of it with some silver rings on her fingers that she liked or fidget with. She was put together on the outside for the most part. But on the inside, she was an emotional wreck. Her stomach dropped at the sudden ring from the room phone. Hoping it was not her parents, she breathlessly answered the phone, “Hello,” was all that she could put together before she hiccuped, hoping the other person on the line couldn’t hear the shakiness in her voice.

“Is this Paige Bueckers?” a small voice on the other line asked.

“Uh, yes- wait who is this?” Paige asked before she would answer anymore questions.

“Paigey! It’s Drew! Mom doesn’t know that I am calling, I just wanted to let you know that I love you and I hope you have a good day today,” there was a brief pause before he spoke again, “tell Azzi I said hi!”

Paige couldn’t believe it, she hadn’t heard from Drew since she got seperated from them three years ago. Her heart shattered when she heard Drew again,

“Oh, uh, I gotta go, Mom is coming. I love you Paigey.” 

Paige dropped the phone. 

“What the fuck,” she gasped as she scrambled to grab her phone and keys.

As Paige rushed out of her room, a whirlwind of emotions coursed through her veins. Drew’s voice echoed in her mind, reminding her of a time when family bonds felt unbreakable, a stark contrast to the reality she had faced over the past three years. She had missed so much due to herself, and the weight of that missed connection felt heavier than ever as she prepared to face a world that felt foreign to her now. Her hatred for her parents coursed through her veins as she pounded her way down the flights of stairs. 

So many emotions crashed over her like waves—relief that she was alive and breathing, guilt for leaving Drew, confusion about everything she had lost and everything she was about to face. It had taken her three years of fighting for her freedom, slowly chipping away at the barriers her parents had built around her since that terrible night in January 2020. After her overdose, everything changed dramatically. Her mother, terrified of losing her again, had imposed a strict regimen of control that included a sudden and complete cutoff from her former life. Friends became distant memories, her social media accounts vanished overnight, and the family she had once been inseparable from turned into strangers. The isolation felt suffocating, but Paige had poured all her energy into basketball—her one true escape and the one thing her parents let her do during that time. Waiting back in her hotel room were the hundreds of letters she wrote for Azzi, all of Azzi’s stuff she left back in Paige’s room years ago, and the letter from her mom she tore up and threw out before she read it. After almost tripping down the last three stairs, she got to her car and immediately started pulling out, GPS already pulled out to UCONN. She had watched every single one of Azzi’s games the past three years in the darkness of her own bedroom only feeling guilt of not being there right next beside her. All that she knew in this moment was that she was going to see Azzi again, reopening the already unhealed wound that cut deep through her heart and body.

October 10, 2023 2:03 PM

“Oh God,” Azzi said as she carefully watched Paige walk up to the gym through the doors.

“Hey, Azzi, you’re good girl. She is probably just as nervous as you,” Aaliyah reassured Azzi while giving her a small pat on the back.

“Yeah, as much as I have my own doubts, I know she’ll do just fine here,” Nika stated while also carefully staring out the glass double-doors.

Azzi’s heart dropped when she caught another glimpse of Paige. Her blonde her was just as she remembered, long, golden, and bright. Hey eyes matched the deep blue of her hoodie she wore that perfectly hung off of her tall but broad frame. She still walked with confidence although Azzi could see the slight hesitation she had in every step. Her posture was slightly lowered, Azzi assumed because of the cold breeze.

"She looks nervous," Azzi whispered, her voice barely audible. Nika and Aaliyah glanced at her, understanding the sentiment that lingered in the air as they sensed Azzi's growing unease.

"Remember what Coach said," Nika reminded her softly. "Just be welcoming. She needs to know that you’re still here for her.”

Once Paige made the pain staking walk to the entrance she opened the door anticipating the worse. She didn’t move far once she entered since she was instructed to not enter further without any of the coaches or teams’ guidance. But when she looked up to the second set of doors she saw her. She stood there, like always, with a quiet confidence, eyes big but comforting, and an oh so familiar aura around her Paige could not get enough of once she was in Azzi’s presence. They both immediately froze at the sight of each other, not knowing what to do. Paige was fortunate enough for Azzi to make the first move. She took a small step forward, with Nika and Aaliyah looming behind her.

“Hi,” Azzi breathed.

“Az,” Paige whispered, almost inaudible.

Before either of them could process their actions fully, they grasped onto each other like they were their lifelines.

“I’m sorry, like so sorry, I’m sor-“

“Don’t be sorry P, you’re here and that’s all that matters,” Azzi said as she buried her face into Paige’s shoulder.

“I didn’t mean to leave you, I promise, I-“ Paige sobbed as she dug her face into Azzi’s neck, trying to engrave every detail about Azzi into her brain all over again.

“Please don’t be mad at me,” Paige pleaded into Azzi’s ear.

“I could never be mad at you P.”

[orangeshinigami]

.

[kyouka-supremacy]

I think we should put more emphasis on how Akutagawa's love is killing him. Descriptions of his feelings for Atsushi should draw from death imagery more. Atsushi's smile is devastatingly beautiful to Akutagawa. His laughter is lethal. Atsushi's touch feels scorching hot. When he's near, the air around becomes unbreathable. He hugs Akutagawa, and Akutagawa feels like his bones are being crushed under those new and overwhelming feelings. Akutagawa drowning in Atsushi's eyes, sinking in his embrace. Akutagawa's love for Atsushi is piercing, painful, Akutagawa's heart is wounded and bleeding. Akutagawa is smitten. All contributing to represent how Akutagawa's love for Atsushi is going to be the end for him. And it was! And he is doomed by his very love, by his very ability of feeling human emotions. Akutagawa's love for Atsushi is going to be the reason he dies.

[faaun]

pls i need to provide updates

[lettucing]

tomorrow is 4 years since unus annus ended jesus christ someone sedate me.

[halinski]

rant in tags about perscription medication and withdrawals

continued here bc i reached tag limit and i'm still??

it's kinda scary tbh

like i was scared for years now of what would happen off my meds and

when i tried tapering off my antidepressants oof i was breaking down every day and now i /know/ i'm dependant on them and idk if that's better or worse

and with the antipsychotics it's like i thought they were helping my depression too bc when tapering off i was also so panicked and depressed (tho my situation is kinda stressful rn)

but idk i've been trying meds on and off for half my life now and most of the time i'm like 🤷

but the truth is

it's fucking scary how it messes with your body

it's fucking scary when you're dependant on a pill

OR ALSO

when pills fuck your body up to the point you can only eat one thing

bc that's the reason i'm going off the antipsychotics and guess what, i'm able to eat more again now

idk if it's just in combination with the hormon pill tbh i'm just going off both now and we'll see how my iron levels and migrains deal lmao

i feel like i can't think straight anymore

gonna have to get new docs anyway so we'll see what they say if(/when) i go anemic again or if going off the antipsychotics will actually fix the issue??

if so, then it'll be like how did this sneak up on me, i've been taking them for 2.5 years like

??

and now i've lost 20lbs despite trying everything to maintain or gain some the past year and a half and i'm at my lowest weight since i was like a preteen lol

and that's all bc of a med that didn't feel like it had an acute effect

or maybe i'm so removed from my body i didn't notice until i got the acute gastritis ??

i mean i can't even be sure its the meds or not until i'm off

and tapering the rest off is gonna be so fun fuck

i dont wanna

i wanna be able to eat more than bread i guess but at this point the thought just scares me and like i associate it with pain and nausea

which as long as i can manage it is fine

but i've only tapered off half, i still have to taper off the other half of the dosage 😭

and with the hormon pill gone again the worst menstrual pain will be back and idk how to manage that, i guess hopefully with the meds gone i won't go anemic again but who knows at this point??

also praying my migraines don't come back but uh... i am pessimistic. i don't have much hope

anyway

moral of the story.....

ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO TAPER OFF YOUR MEDS KIDS BC EVEN JUST TAPERING IS SCARY AND GOING COLD CHICKEN IS PROBABLY HELL

doctors can be annoying (and make things harder, like in my case bc i literally asked if it could be my current meds MONTHS ago, and everyone was like noooooo but guess who was RIGHT) sometimes BUUUUT you should listen to them avout certain things

like

tapering off meds

[moonchild-in-blue]

Oh.

[feathers-little-nest]

omg! the reason why I was so shit at learning every language I tried to learn before is catching up to me! who would've thought!

[sskk-manifesto]

(｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

[number1girl]

my boss is abusive like straight up <3 <3 <3 not even in a "donate to my gofundme to help me escape an abusive living situation and by that i mean my roommate asked me to do the dishes" type of way. like i am literally trapped in the cycle of build up explosive incident honeymoon phase

[danieyells]

?????? Why did he tell me everything was fine if my insurance requires me to have been on hormones for 2 years to approve the procedure. . .why didn't he say they won't approve it if that wasn't the case. . .is that outdated information???? Maybe we can lie????

Am i seriously about to have all of my fucking hype crushed???? Maybe I can convince my doctors to lie for me or we can say I was doing it DIY for a few years. People ask how long I've been on hormones a lot because my voice is pretty deep and I look pretty masculine surely we could get away with this???

I feel really fucking beaten down now. Why not stop the discussion and go 'hey they require X amount of time on hormones'. . .I really hope I can convince my providers to fudge the truth for me a little or i'm going to lose my mind i seriously don't know how well i'm going to take it if i can't get this done???? Like I already feel so anxious at the thought. Please everything about me needs this. I am going to go fucking insane if this can't happen this year.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

my brother brought his sick kids to family Christmas and now I am a plague riddled abomination weakly calling out for more hot tea from the couch while my body simply falls apart with me trapped inside it

[ana-rends]

i would rather live with ana for the rest of my life than binge like this ever again

[orcelito]

Either side effects started immediately or I'm just way too burnt out from how much effort I've spent on this fic this week

No writing done today. None. Nilch. I think im losing my mind a little bit actually. Unable to focus at all. It's 9 pm. I'm thinking about painting my nails and putting on a nice calm show to chill the fuck out, go to bed early, be consumed by mental illness during the night to write this last scene in the time it's embodying, edit and post in the morning

Maybe.

Just need to chill a bit. That's all.

[chronicillnesscaneffoffplease]

I’ve had a few “whoops this thing I stopped doing is actually helping me” moments recently.

I’ve felt wretched and like I was coming down with the flu recently. It felt more than my normal PEM symptoms, and I was really concerned. And then I realise it’s spring, a bunch of stuff is blooming, and it’s been sooooo windy. And I stopped taking antihistamines and my nasonex sometime last year (antihistamines bc we thought it might have been causing some side effects, nasonex bc I hate the sensation of nasal sprays and need motivation to use it). Pesky hayfever. Needless to say I’m feeling much better having restarted my regimen. I felt a bit silly that I could have avoided feeing miserable though.

I went out for an appointment yesterday in my “knock about the house” shoes that are podiatrist loathed (nil ankle support, nil arch support, worn down), rather than my lace up shoes with my orthotics. After that appointment, I thought I’d check out a new store that’s opened at the shops nearby. I ended up doing a LOT of walking at the shops and today my ankles are sooooo painful and my hips been acting up. I guess it’s good to know that my shoes and orthotics are doing good things in terms of symptom prevention (as well as better longer-term outcomes) but damn do I feel ouchie.

I’m framing it as “yay negative data also tells us important things” because I gotta remember it’s not my fault when these things happen but it is good to try learn from them. And frankly, when there’s so many things going on with your health and condition management as a disabled person, it’s okay when things fall through the cracks. It’s gonna happen. Especially when there’s lots of non-disability stuff going on too. It’s okay.

[halfdeadwallfly]

me when the group conversation is triggering a bunch of instrusive thoughts and he notices that i'm uncomfortable so he keeps trying to redirect the topic without drawing everyone's attention to me 💪🥳😭🥀💌🌬️☄️🪐⛈️👾🐛🙏💌